Dog Man (Live)
(We cut to the outside of a building before some text pops up) Text: The G-man reviews Dog Man live! (After the text goes away, we cut to a seating area with a large screen at the end of the room that’s inside of the building. The G-man runs into the room and the audience applauds) G-man: What’s going on? (The audience cheers) Well, we’re going back into the realm of Dav Pilkey, and as always with live shows, I’m reviewing it with someone. In fact, I have someone already! So, please give a warm welcome to Chadtronic! (Chad comes in as the G-man and the audience applaud) Chad: Hey, ladies and gentlemen! (The audience cheers) Today, we’re reviewing Dog Man! (Cut to the cover of said comic. The audience cheers again) G-man (V.O): This is yet-another comic series by Sir Pilkey. This one has many other sequels, but we’ll just review the first one for now. (Cut back to the duo) Chad: This is- G-man: Hold up! Before we start, there’s a tradition we usually go through. Chad: What? G-man: Play it! (The G-man’s theme starts to play as the audience cheers and sings along) Song and audience (Singing): C’mon now let’s review some shit! You know it is my job. I feel like I’m the guy who’s only doin’ this! With my sword in my hand, I’ll find a way to tear it down. I won’t quit at all now, it’s a path I will go. But I won’t stop, ‘cause I’ll be there for you. Until the end, I will let you all know my name! (The audience cheers as we cut back to the cover of the comic) G-man (V.O): The cover this time around is bland. It just shows our hero, Dog Man, on top of a building. With that out of the way, let’s begin. Chad (V.O): It opens with someone named Officer Knight and his dog, Greg, getting in trouble for… Sleeping on a couch? (As Officer Knight) Aw, man! Chief is really mad at us again! I wish we could do something heroic to impress him! (Cut back to the duo) Chad (In normal voice): So, let me get this straight, they’re in trouble because they slept on a couch? How would the chief react if Greg crapped on the floor? Incarceration? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): We then meet our villain: Petey the Cat. Whom you may remember from Super Diaper Baby 2. (As Petey) Officer Knight is a tough cop, but he ain’t got brains! And Greg the Dog is smart, but his body is his weakness! Chad (V.O sarcastically): Oh yeah, THAT won’t be relevant to the plot at all! (In normal voice) Petey sets up a bomb that’s cleverly titled, but when Officer Knight and Greg try to defuse it, it blows up and they get sent to the hospital. Now, get your tissues ready because this is where we get sad: (As doctor) I’m sorry, Greg, but your body is dying. And your head is dying, too, cop. G-man (V.O as Officer Knight) Rats! I sure hate my dying head! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): This is so sad… Chad (In normal voice): I know… Alexa, play Despaci- G-man (Interrupting): NO! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): But just when all seemed lost, the nurse lady, yes that’s her name, suggests that they perform surgery to sew Greg’s head onto Officer Knight’s body. Thus, creating Dog Man. The news spread quickly, and once Petey hears about this, he claims that he knows just how to stop him. Chad (V.O): The next day, the Chief of Police warns Dog Man that, even though he’s claimed to be the World’s Greatest Cop, he’d still better, quote, "Watch your step around here, bub!". As he walks away, Petey sends out a large vacuum cleaner robot to destroy him. (As Petey) This vacuum has a 6000 HP motor, an endless power supply, and the bag expands, so it can suck up almost anything! (Cut back to the duo) Chad (In normal voice) Am I the only one who sees a flaw? If the vacuum can suck up almost anything, how big can the bag get? Does it expand indefinitely? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The vacuum sucks up Dog Man along with a large portion of the ocean… (Cut back to the duo briefly) Because fuck logic. (Cut back to the comic) Petey accidentally pops the bag open. Sending a wave throughout the town. Luckily, Dog Man saves him. (As Petey) Hey! You saved me! You’re not such a bad guy after all! I’ve got one word to say to you: (Dog Man snaps handcuffs on Petey’s hand) RATS! (The Looney Tunes outro plays as we fade to black, and then back to the comic) Chad (V.O): We also forgot to mention: In this comic, there’s something called Flip-O-Rama. We’ve already explained what that is in Ook and Gluk and Super Diaper Baby, so we’ll just skip these here. (As Police Chief) Hey cops! Dog Man captured Petey! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (As another officer): Sir, if you’re letting a hybrid do the work, you seriously suck at your job! Chad (As Police Chief): Shut the frick up, Officer Carl! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): A few days later, the Mayor visits the Police Station with a few strong words for the Chief. Through some news stories on her Totally-Not-An-iPad, she reveals that the Chief is soft on crimes, Petey escaped from prison 8 times, and that everybody now hates him. (As Mayor) You better straighten up, or I’ll replace you with a robot! Chad (V.O in normal voice): Dog Man overhears the Mayor talking about some evil plan, so he fallows her and recording evidence on his Totally-Not-An-iPhone. It turns out that she and someone named Dr. Scum… Wait, seriously? (Cut back to the duo) Chad: What if you wanted to be a middle school teacher, or a senator? How can you be ANYTHING with the name Dr. Scum?! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): Petey busts out of jail thanks to the Mayor who sent him… (He sighs) Invisible Spray? Really? And the Mayor returns to the Police Station to fire the Chief. Simultaneously sending out Robo-Chief. (As Mayor) Now that Chief is gone, I can run this town MY way! And you better not try to stop me, or you’ll end up in the junkyard! Chad (V.O): Somehow, Dr. Scum and his team of baddies built a bunch of rotten businesses. This makes Petey, who is still invisible, very angry. (As Petey) Somebody is trying to muscle in on MY territory! I have to stop those evil jerks! There can only be one villain in this town! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Now, how do you think Petey is going to handle this? Destroy the buildings? Kill the Mayor? No. Get this… (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Petey, while he’s still invisible, follows each customer inside each store and pulls their pants down. Making them think there’s a ghost. The Mayor sends out Robo-Chief to destroy him, but somehow, he makes him destroy all the Rotten Stores. Including himself with the old re-directory technique. Chad (V.O in normal voice): With no options left, the Mayor sends Dog Man out to catch Petey. However, he’s just too fast. While proclaiming that he’s never washing the invisible spray off. This gives Dog Man an idea. G-man (V.O): He runs over to a conveniently-placed Kiddie Pool and dives in. Whilst shaking himself to dry off, the water splashes over Petey. Making him visible so Dog Man can arrest him. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: If that’s not convenience, I don’t know what is! (Cut back to the comic) Chad (V.O): Later at the Cop Awards… (As Mayor) Ladies and gentlemen, today we honor Dog Man because he captured Petey and stuff. G-man (V.O): Remembering the video he took on his Totally-Not-An-iPhone from before, he plays it on a conveniently-placed monitor. Revealing the Mayor’s evil plan, and promptly arresting her. A week later, the new mayor arrives to appoint a new Chief. And of course, he gives it to the old one. (Cut back to the duo) Chad (In normal voice): This next part is actually one that was used before, except the grammar is correct, and it’s extended. But since its part of the book, we’ll walk you through it. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Petey escapes from prison yet again, and he finds out what makes Dog Man so smart: Reading. (As Petey) So… Reading makes you smart, eh? Then I must destroy all books! Chad (V.O): Well, if by destroy, he meant zap all the words out of every book to make everyone dumb fricks, then I guess there’s nothing to correct here. After what I just said happened, the police send out Moron Dog Man to find the culprit… (He sighs) About who crapped in the Chief’s office? Seriously? (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): There’s a dumbass problem in the world, and the main crime is about who shat in the Chief’s office. Let’s give it up for our hero, everybody! (The audience applauds. Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Petey, meanwhile, isn’t having such a good time. He falls into a depression in which he only reads the only books with words on Earth, and he doesn’t keep himself clean. (Cut back to the duo) Duo (Simultaneously): You know, for kids! (Cut back to the comic) Chad (V.O): Due to Petey’s stench, Dog Man runs to his lair and finds his books. After reading them, he gives them to the public. Petey, still wanting to keep everyone dumb, tries to retrieve them, but gets arrested in the process. And thus, we come to the final chapter in this book: Weenie Wars. G-man (V.O): What’s this? A battle taking place in Weenie Hut Juniors? (Cut back to the duo) Chad: Are you saying this belongs at Weenie Hut Juniors?! G-man: What? No! I’m saying it belongs in SUPER Weenie Hut Juniors! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): It begins with Petey getting something called Living Spray. He sprays it on a hot dog, because why not? And it turns to life. He orders it to take the keys, and once it retrieves them, Petey escapes yet again. Foolishly, he leaves the Living Spray behind. Giving the alive hot dog an evil plan… (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Wow! That was the most nonsense I ever said in one sentence! (The audience applauds) Thanks? (Cut back to the comic) Chad (V.O): Petey uses a dog whistle and a megaphone to get every dog in town into a cage. Including Dog Man. Meanwhile, back at Cat Jail, (The text "Yes, that’s a thing." Pops up for a brief moment) the hot dog from before turns the other hot dogs to life and sends them all into town while screaming: (As Hot Dog Leader) Viva La Weenie-lution! (Cut back to the duo laughing) G-man (Mid-laugh): Honestly, what the hell was Dav on? Man in audience: Mara-Weenie! (The duo stops laughing as Chad approaches the man who spoke) Chad (In normal voice): What’s your name? Man: Trevor. Chad: Your new name is Fozzie. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O as newswoman) We interrupt this comic for breaking news! I’m Sarah Hatoff with our top story. Petey, the World’s most evilest cat, has captured all the dogs in the city! Chad (V.O as Petey): That’s right! They’re all locked inside this cage! G-man (V.O as Sarah): What do you plan to do with them? Chad (V.O as Petey): Watch and learn, sister! (In normal voice) The cage the dogs are in is actually a crushing device called the Mutt-Masher 2000. While that’s happening, the Hot Dog Leader finds a muscular cheesesteak statue, and he brings it to life with the Living Spray. G-man (V.O in normal voice): After the storeowner quotes the song "Don’t be a Hero" for some reason, they head towards where the main characters are. (As Sarah) Oh look! Little baby hot dogs are starting a revolution! Chad (V.O as Hot Dog Leader): We’re NOT little babies! We’re regular sized! G-man (V.O as Sarah): Oh, how cute! Chad (V.O as Hot Dog Leader): We’re not cute, either! We’re GANGSTA! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Did a kids’ comic just use the word "Gangster"? Chad (In normal voice): Well, if the Rambo NES game used the world "Hell", then anything goes! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): After the Hot Dog Leader says he’ll destroy everything; Dog Man gets a great idea. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a bone that he carries around for some reason. After throwing a few at the giant cheesesteak, it rips the top off of the trap. Sending all the dogs free. Chad (V.O): The cheesesteak picks up Dog Man, and the Hot Dog Leader gives him a speech that- (Dog Man suddenly eats the top off of the Hot Dog Leader) HOLY FRICK! (Cut back to the duo) Chad: Jesus, Pilkey! What the frick were you thinking?! G-man: This is the most brutal death in a kids’ comic I ever saw! Right next to Past Goppernopper’s in Ook and Gluk! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The Living Spray can falls into some conveniently-placed fire and explodes. Destroying the giant cheesesteak in the process. As the other dogs, are eating the other living hot dogs, Petey falls back into Cat Jail, and Dog Man falls back into the police station. Chad (V.O): And so, our comic ends with the Chief and Dog Man making up, despite the couch being destroyed. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Dog Man! Sure, it made no sense in some places, but we found it entertaining! Chad: Now, we said there are more sequels, but we’ll just save those for another day. G-man: Well, I am the G-man… Chad: And my name is Chadtronic! G-man: And that’s all you need to know about that! Chad: Peace! (The duo walks out of the room. The audience applauds as the review ends) Category:Episode Category:Special